Addiction: How to Help Each Other (Part III) – Getting Past Secrecy and Concealment, and Building Trust

Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Galatians 6:1

I’ve taken three posts to lay out what I’ve learned about the psychology and entrapment of addiction, in the hope that this will help others understand the thinking and temptations that drive the addictions of people they love

Part I tackled what addictions looks like and how they compare to idolatry, and listed a number of reasons people get trapped in addictions and why they fear discovery and accountability.

Part II covers why addicted people lie and conceal their behavior, and the combination of pride and shame that trap people in addiction.

Part III is a blow-by-blow examination of what concealment and evasion by addicted people looks like, and how to get beyond it and walk with a person through recovery. This post is the longest because I've gone all out to give a playbook for helping a person through recovery. Not all sin is an addiction in the way I’ve described it, but there are many sins that can’t be overcome without understanding the patterns of addiction. If you are trying to help a friend break out of adultery, or alcohol or drug abuse, or pornography, or gambling, or anything else that has taken over their lives, you need to watch out for the patterns below.

Image: valiantrecovery.ca
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Not everyone will act like this, because some people who struggle with the things above are not yet controlled by them. So I do not want to mislead anyone into thinking every single person who struggles with these vices and sins is exactly the same. Some people may not be this imprisoned yet, and you may be able to help them work through their repeated abuse of something with cooperation and honesty. But you need to be aware of these patterns of concealment, because the biggest problem in helping many addicted people is that those with severe addictions are very good at making people think they only have a small problem.

I have tried to cover the most common patterns of deception and concealment that addicts use to keep their addiction secret or to resist help and accountability, and how to counter them. This post is uncomfortable to write, because it feels very judgmental. There simply isn’t any polite way to say that your friend with an addiction is going to lie and deceive you. If you suspect a friend has an addiction, and you want to help them, you are going to have to prepare yourself for this fact.

Bracing Yourself to Confront a Friend

Addiction warps our thinking and desires because we have become completely dependent on satisfying the need for whatever we have as an addiction. It changes your personality. A very good picture is the transformation of Frodo in The Lord of the Rings. In spite of the gentlest and most sincere motives and character, Frodo begins to be changed by possessing the One Ring. The Ring has such a powerful attraction for whoever holds it that it becomes the dominant thing in their minds. Frodo changes into a person who distrusts everyone around him, even his perfectly faithful friend Sam. He becomes suspicious that others are trying to take the Ring, and he reacts angrily or defensively if anyone suggests parting him from the Ring. His motives and attitude are reshaped around the single goal of protecting his possession of the Ring.

Image: http://coeurdalenecounseling.com/

This is a glimpse under the surface of addiction. Most people you know who have an addiction will not visibly react the way Frodo did. They usually try at all costs to project an image of being in control and of being normal. But what has happened to their thinking and their personality is very much the same. An addicted person will see anyone who interferes with their addiction as someone to be manipulated. They will be increasingly willing to lie to that person, and to treat them as a person to “work around” instead of a trusted friend or spouse or family member. It is horrendously painful for a spouse or close friend to discover that the addicted person they love is sneaking around behind their back and concealing their behavior. But the addicted person learns a pattern of concealment in order to prevent anyone from hindering their ability to satisfy their need.

So as difficult as it is to examine and test the person you love to see if they are being honest, you have to take courage and do it if you suspect an addiction. They are not going to help you find out what’s going on. The only way to free them is to get past the deception so you know what’s really going on. And they really need your help. So be encouraged that what you are doing is a work of mercy, and a service of love that God encourages: “My brothers, if anyone among you wanders from the truth and someone brings him back, let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.” (James 5:19-20)

1. Common Concealment Patterns:

These are some examples of how people with addictions keep them hidden (which also tells you what to watch out for). In the next part I’ll describe ways to detect and overcome these things. Not every addicted person will show all these behaviors, and of course many people use some of these tactics even without an addiction. But you can expect a combination of these from a person with a serious addiction. So look for multiple examples together that form a pattern.

• Not volunteering information on what they have been doing, and being vague if asked.
• Only giving partial answers - for example, after being at a bar, saying: "I was just out getting something to eat."
• Asking friends to cover for them to meet responsibilities - often without explaining why. Taking time away from work or other responsibilities and having someone else cover for them is a way to sneak in their addiction while keeping it hidden from family.
• Not answering the phone or the door, because it might give away what they've been doing.
• Not showing up to things they previously said they would do, and giving odd excuses afterwards.
• Starting new patterns in how they use their time that allow them extra gaps on their own - heading to the gym every morning or taking a class in the evenings, which allows for unaccounted time away from people who might be suspicious.
• Telling different stories to different people so that no one can see the whole picture of this person's life.
• Compartmentalizing and friend-shopping: addicted persons will often withdraw from people who begin to show suspicions of the addiction, and seek out new friends or a closer relationship with previous acquaintances so they can start fresh with someone unaware of what's going on. This cycle may continue each time people start to guess the truth.
• Co-opting allies: similar to friend-shopping, they may look for people to be "on their side" and manipulate the relationship so this person believes their story and will vouch for them. For instance, arranging an accountability partner who is ignorant of what's going on, and then convincing this person their accountability sessions are really solid and transparent. Then when questioned by others, they can say: "Talk to my accountability partner. He'll tell you it's going great."
• Hiding charges and costs for the addiction by taking out cash instead of using credit cards.
• Deleting things that would give them away: e-mails, social media accounts, files on computers, credit card statements, etc.
• Sneaking money from work, family, or other people whose accounts they have access to in order to feed the need they can no longer afford.
• The "small" confession: admitting to something bad, but much less than what they are hiding, and acting out an apology. They often learn that they can throw people off the scent by making them think they got to the bottom of it, and by humbly apologizing.
• Minimizing: insisting that whatever they did was just a little bit. For instance, in my experience, almost everyone who has abused alcohol will say they only had 1 or 2. It's nearly universal. You can expect an addict to make their behavior seem as small as possible, only admitting what they think they cannot possibly evade.
• Selective memory: in the process of self-justification, you’ll often hear things like “It was just that one time” even when it was actually three or four. Addicted people tend to “forget” or gloss over all the examples of their addiction being out of control, and try to pick just one or two to explain away. You’ll often have to remind them how many times it really happened.
• Using emotions to deflect and evade discussion of suspicions: getting angry when questioned, or falling apart and saying "I can't take this right now!"
• The play for sympathy: when questioned, coming up with something else really heavy or painful that is happening to them and making the conversation all about this difficult thing they're going through.
• In general, simply controlling conversations by steering them to something away from their addictive behavior. There's always something else more important to talk about.
• Hiding the tools of their addiction where they can access them in secret.
• "I'm cured." - when push comes to shove, an addicted person may go through a process of agreeing they have a problem, swearing they will stop/get help, and then saying they are finished with the addiction... then resuming it in secret, while continuing to say they are staying clean.

2. Uncovering the Secrets and Creating Openness and Honesty

A. Figuring Out What's Going On

Helping an addicted person is a team effort. If you try to do the things I've described in this post by yourself, you can easily burn out. Trying to keep up regularly with someone who is not very eager to be accountable, and who needs constant accountability, is exhausting and discouraging. So get all the help you can.

Image: www.helpguide.org
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You also need help because detecting and uncovering a pattern of concealment often requires comparing notes with other people in a person's life. You need to be willing to talk to others and express your concerns without allowing yourself to feel like you're betraying your friend. Be selective about who you enlist to help, but make sure you have a complete picture of your friend's life and time. You need their spouse and family to be involved if possible.

Since a person in addiction will do their best to convince you everything is fine, you have to be able to account for what's going on when you're not around. You need to be able to confront them about what they're doing so that they can't talk their way out of it. Building up all this information may feel a lot like you're being self-righteous or judging them, but keep in mind that you're not doing this because you're smarter or more righteous than them: you're doing this because they are blinded by their addiction, and you are still able to see straight. They can't do it without your help.

If you're recognizing some of the behaviors listed above in your friend, that may be enough to confront him or her and challenge them about what's going on. The difficulty is having enough evidence of a pattern of behavior that he or she can't talk their way out of it. Otherwise the conversation goes nowhere. Here are some other things to do:

• Don't accept questionable excuses. If you think something's going on, then when your friend gives an explanation that isn't believable, call them out on it. Look them in the eye and say: "Tell me what's going on."
• Make it clear you won't accept anything less than the full story. Keep pressing for it as long as you suspect they are holding out on you.
• When you compare notes with others, trust them. For instance, if your friend's wife tells you he was out all night and wouldn't say where he was, then when you get to talk to him, don't accept any contradictions from him or let him dismiss what she said. Stick firmly to the facts you've been given.
• Make it clear to the person that you care about them and you can be trusted, but that you can't be manipulated or controlled. Let them see that although you're steadfast in your support for them, you aren't going to let them talk you out of what needs to be done or let them mislead you.
• Take control of conversations if there's an elephant in the room. Don't let your friend change the subject when there are questions in the air about what's going on in his or her life. Steer back to it and insist on talking it through all the way. The more they try to change the subject, the more reason you have to think something's being concealed.
• Stick to your guns. Be firm in your understanding of facts and your memory of what's been happening. An addicted person will often resort to telling you that you're remembering it wrong or that you misunderstood something. Be careful you had your facts straight going in, but once you do, don't hesitate about them. Stand firm.
• Seize moments where things are at a crisis. If you strongly suspect an addiction, then when someone has just lost a job, or had a spouse leave or kick them out, or been arrested, or otherwise accused by a friend of something, this is the time to have a straight talk with them and ask what is really behind this. When the evidence that their addiction is wrecking their life is right in front of them, they are more likely to confess it to a friend and seek sympathy.
• Pin the addicted person down to talking about their addict behavior and the problems it has created. When they try to explain something away that is clearly wrong, press them on it and challenge them on why they aren't admitting that was a problem. This is part of getting them to admit they are addicted and need help. Admitting the symptoms of the problem is one step toward admitting there is a problem.
• Fact-check: as much as possible, try to independently verify what they tell you. Don't take anything for granted. If they tell you a story their spouse or family would know about, check the facts with the spouse or family to see if they told you the truth. This is crucial, because if you catch your friend lying to you, that gives you something to confront them about even if you don't know for certain what is going on with their addiction. It gives you a valid reason to ask them why they're acting like this.
• Don't be self-conscious about telling them you know something's wrong. Even if you can't prove it or spell it out, if it's clear that they've changed and things aren't right, confront them about that. Stand your ground and press them on why things have changed. You don't necessarily have to know what's going on in order to know something's wrong, and they can only make excuses for so long before they realize you aren't going to buy any of them.
• Don't accept being avoided. If they start withdrawing from you or avoiding you when you make your suspicions clear, find ways to pursue meeting with them and talking to them. Coordinate with other friends and family if necessary.
• Don't apologize for trusting your gut. 
• If you become convinced that an actual intervention is necessary, where friends and family confront the person together, get advice from a counselor, doctor, pastor, or someone else trained to deal with addiction and plan it carefully.

Once you have your friend's agreement that they need accountability, it has to be a ground rule that you have total permission to ask them anything and to ask anyone else close to them about anything. You know your friend is serious about accepting help and fighting the addiction when they will agree to this. If they don't, you need to get them to that point by showing them that you can't help them if you can't be sure you know what's going on. You don't have to beat them up about their past deception (and you shouldn't), but you should focus on the fact that they have been enslaved by their addiction and the only way out is total honesty and transparency.

Regular meetings for accountability should include questions you ask the person in order to review how they're doing and find out what they're having trouble with this week. You can find many good examples on addiction support websites and counseling websites like those I've linked to. You want to cover whether they have done any of the things associated with their addiction, and also whether they have allowed themselves to be around triggers and places of temptation for their addiction. You should also go over whether they are following through with things like support group meetings and their other responsibilities, since failing to do this is a sign of backsliding in addiction. And an important final question you should both get used to is: "Have you just lied to me?" This needs to be something that can be asked and answered without defensiveness, so start using it right away and insist on an environment with no excuses or evasions.

B. Creating Openness and Trust

Ed Welch says: “If you want to help addicts, you will create a culture that delights in openness and honesty. Be someone with whom they can speak without fear of self-righteous judgment. Invite them to speak this new language of truthfulness, in which they speak honestly and aim to know the Truth—who is the antidote to all idolatry.” Welch, Two Underused Biblical Resources

A large part of the battle with an addicted person is getting them to not only admit they have an addiction, but be willing to admit it in front of you. People enslaved by addictions fear accountability because it will mean they lose control over being able to satisfy their addiction. They really don’t want to have someone looking over their shoulder, even a trusted friend who loves them and wants to help them. You have to gain their trust by helping them see how badly they need this help, and you also need to show them that they can be transparent in front of you without losing your love and respect.

Whatever else we're addicted to, just about everyone is addicted to other people's approval.

Image: http://ow.ly/gFFg302dlln

So even an addicted person who knows they have a problem and is willing to accept help is still going to be reluctant to admit all the shameful truth and guilty behavior to someone else. You really have to encourage this person that they can trust you to love them no matter what they say, and prove it by doing that even when you get shocked or disappointed. For instance, when you figure out for the fifth time that the addicted person has been lying to you and concealing more addictive behavior, you need to be able to forgive them and keep treating them with patience and love. That doesn't mean there aren't consequences; but it means that you don't start treating them less like a friend and more like a project. Addiction is so humiliating and disheartening all by itself that people trapped in it kind of expect others to give up on them. Often they have given up on themselves. To help them, you have to prove them wrong.

However, you also have to enforce boundaries and consequences. The addicted person needs accountability not only to telling you the truth, but also to staying out of addiction. An addicted person has a million different excuses for why they should give into their addiction late at night, or this weekend, or after a hard day. Accountability that helps them change is accountability to very specific boundaries. The boundaries have to keep them away from even the triggers and temptations that lead them to give in to addiction. For an alcoholic, for instance, they need to avoid all bars and places that serve alcohol, let someone go through their house to remove all alcohol, commit to a support group like Alcoholics Anonymous or Minnesota Adult and Teen Challenge, and change social habits that would put them around alcohol.

And remember, get help from others so that caring for this person is a team effort. Support groups are important because the people there are also struggling with addiction, and so there's no one to impress and no masks necessary to fit in. Getting your friend into a support group so that someone else is regularly providing accountability and encouragement is a high priority.

C. Make No Excuses for Them

This is a critical bottom line: never minimize the problem of addiction, even to try and cheer someone up. Your job is to encourage them, but not by making their problem seem less serious. That is a disastrous mistake that many people commonly make. When they see how depressed and discouraged the addicted person is, especially when talking about their addiction and its consequences, friends are moved to try to encourage them by softening the guilt.

This is pretty natural as a part of sympathy and mercy, and we do it with good effects in a lot of other areas of shame and guilt. Often people who are really broken over their sinful and selfish behavior tend to beat themselves up too much, once they finally get to the point of admitting how bad their actions have been. But with an addict there is a fundamental difference: the addict has been believing all along that he or she doesn’t have a problem, or at least that the problem isn’t serious, and has built up an elaborate web of self-deception. Addicts have gone to great lengths to convince themselves they can handle their addictive behavior. As you can see from many of the habits and actions I described above, virtually all addicts are trying to grasp on to anyone who will help reinforce the illusion that they are not out of control. You must never become that person.

In both previous posts, I gave examples of why addicted people are scared and reluctant to face life without being able to have their addiction to fall back on for escape or comfort. The last thing they want to have to admit and face is that they really have a problem that makes them unable to keep doing what they want to do to get relief. They don’t want to believe they have to stop. They don’t want to believe they have to give up their freedom to choose when and how they get relief. They don’t want to accept that others are right in intervening and stopping them. They don’t want to bear the shame or embarrassment of acknowledging they can't be trusted to use their own time without accountability.

So the thing you absolutely must avoid is reinforcing their desire to minimize the danger and seriousness of the addiction. The most loving thing you can do is not let them deceive themselves at all. You can usually tell a person is doing well in recovering from addiction when they don't make any excuses for their behavior anymore, and don't shrink away from admitting all the worst details. They have to learn to own it. Until they get here, every moment of minimizing or justifying is a step on the road back to addiction.

So when you encourage them, encourage them with other things they have to be thankful for, and other successes in their lives. Don't soften the seriousness of the addiction to be encouraging; focus instead on the other positives in this person's life. Above all, the most liberating and encouraging thing for a person in the shame of addiction should be the constant reminder that they have a Savior and God who accepts them completely no matter how shameful their life has become. They have total freedom to be transparent and honest before this God, because nothing they reveal will change how much He loves them. Of course, He already knows it anyway, but you help them feel the truth of that acceptance by modeling the same sort of acceptance yourself. You show them that they don't have to fear the truth about how bad things are, because they can't lose the love and support from you and from the Lord. Reassure them with the Gospel and the assurance that God's love is not based on how well you perform or how "good" you are.

One of the most successful things you can do in helping your friend is to soak up as much teaching about the Gospel as possible, and use it generously. I have also been very impressed with the insights of the counseling training program from Faith Church in Lafayette, Indiana, which has done training conferences since 1985 and does regional conferences around the country. One of their priorities is to avoid teaching an addicted person to think of their identity as "being an addict." They have to admit they are an addict, but they are much more than an addict. Identity can mold behavior and expectations. So encourage your friend to see himself or herself as a child of God, redeemed, loved, and blessed with unique and important talents from God that are meant to be used in a special calling in this life. They have an addiction problem, which is serious, but their life and identity is much more than their addiction.

A Post-Script and Caution: The Danger of Thinking You're Cured

One of the significant dangers for addicts is that after staying out of trouble for some period of time, and getting things under control, they often start thinking they can relax things a little. That leads to relaxing things a lot. Most addicted people get tired of the limitations and boundaries long before they are actually recovered. I have seen too many people slip right back into their addictions because they weren't willing to keep careful boundaries anymore. So as a friend, you need to resist that mindset every time. You need to remind them why they can't stop taking this seriously. You need to talk against the voice in their head that is trying to justify their own freedom to do what they want.

Alcoholics have reported that no matter how long they have been sober, if they start taking a drink again, they swiftly drop right back to the worst level of alcohol abuse they were at before. The pattern of addiction takes over again, and you don't start back out at a low tolerance, as if the time away from your addiction has reset you to some immunity to the addiction. As an addict, you are never "cured." You are always vulnerable, and always have to be watchful. Keep your friend honest with himself or herself about this. Recovery from addiction is a permanent lifestyle, not a course of treatment.

Spiritual Coffee: Make the Most of the Things of Earth - We All Need Church History - Knowing Yourself in Spite of Technology

Three tools for inspiration to energize your mind for the week. Here's some help for enjoying the things in the world without loving God less, for taking an interest in church history, and for reconnecting your soul to God's gift of grace and mercy in spite of the distractions of so much useful technology.

Prior collections are tagged under Spiritual Coffee.

The Strange Brightness of the Things of Earth, Joe Rigney (Cities Church)
Rigney has brought a common dilemma of faith into clear focus: does enjoying things in the world subtract from our love for God, or can it help increase it? Should we be cautious and self-conscious about enjoying things too much? Rigney's writing and teaching is some of the most insightful work I've ever read or heard on this subject. Sermon transcript or audio at the link. This is part of a series, so you can look at the related sermons as well. Rigney also has a five-hour seminar available in audio here at the bottom under Media ("The Whole Earth Is Full of His Glory") that I strongly recommend for going deeper.

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus/Look full in his wonderful face/And the things of earth will grow strangely dim/In the light of his glory and grace.

"What is the song telling us? It tells us that earthly things may have some brightness; they may have some beauty. They may bring us some joy. But when Jesus shows up, that brightness grows dim in his light. That beauty fades in comparison to his wonderful face. In his presence is fullness of joy, and therefore the delight we had in earthly things is now dullness and dust."

"That tension comes into focus when we take the dimness of earthly things in the light of Jesus and set it alongside the hymn we just sang, “This Is My Father’s World.”

"This is my Father’s World/He shines in all that’s fair/In the rustling grass I hear him pass/He speaks to me everywhere. 

"What does this hymn teach? Not that earthly things grow dim, but that God shines in them. “He shines in all that’s fair.” They’re not dim; they’re bright with his brightness. They don’t go silent when God shows up; He speaks through them. And there’s the tension: which hymn is true?" 

13 Reasons We Need Church History, Matthew J. Hall (TGC)
Excellent thoughts on why church history has special value and importance for Christians, and how to study it wisely. Although Hall doesn't state this directly, there's a lot of encouragement here for all Christians that we should care about knowing our history, and we shouldn't think of it as a matter only for seminary students and scholars. 

"Throughout Scripture, rightly remembering is critical to faithfulness. As early as Eden, Eve listens to the serpent, succumbing to faulty interpretations of the past and of God’s revelation in particular.

"Throughout the Old Testament, God calls his people to recall and retell his gracious saving acts. Yet Israel repeatedly forgets, fails, and strays. The New Testament is also clear: Historical events are at the heart of the good news.

"Our mission is to recount that history and call the nations to repent and believe in the Christ. Even the development of post-apostolic doctrine involved history. The early church fathers and councils had to determine, for example, what it meant to say with historical confidence that Jesus was both God and man."

Habits of Mind in an Age of Distraction, Alan Jacobs (Comment Magazine)
The summer issue of Comment Magazine is available online now (free and simple registration required). It's hard to choose among the articles - the focus on how design and technology influence us and our faith is tackled in a diversity of forms. For an introduction, James K.A. Smith examines cutting-edge technological marvels against the potential to forget who we are (or what makes us human) in Our Built World. I chose Jacobs, however, because distraction and divided attention are major challenges for most of us. Having used social media and tech prolifically and personally himself, as well as questioned and criticized it, Jacobs speaks from real life with the benefit of examining himself and all of us against Christian thinking across several centuries. But what he grabs hold of here and leads us through is not a list of ways to tame technology; instead, it's a vital question of what happens when our perception of life and self goes wrong. Those who see only their own failures and imperfections and those who see only a world of outward problems in need of the right technological fix both suffer from a distorted view of the Gospel and self. Here is good medicine.

"So what do we do with the great majority of people for whom excessive self-examination is the last problem they're likely to face? I think this is one of the most important problems Christians—and especially pastors—face today."

Spiritual Coffee: How Pornography Destroys Pleasure and People - Correcting Others Fairly and Accurately - United Methodists Deconstructed

Today's three resources include professor and author Andy Naselli's seminar confronting pornography use as destroying your mind and ability to enjoy pleasure, along with a solid demonstration that most pornography is produced through sex trafficking. I attended the seminar live, and it was very effective and persuasive. The audio has just been posted online.

(Click on Spiritual Coffee for prior roundups to sharpen and equip your Christian thinking and enlarge your heart.)

Pure Pleasure Men's Gathering 2016, Andy Naselli and Sgt. Grant Snyder (Bethlehem Baptist Church)

This is serious stuff. The truth about pornography is ugly, and some of the content in these audio recordings is intense. Use your judgment in sharing with teens. But they need to know a lot of this. Naselli demonstrates from the Scriptures and from people's experiences

how abusing your sexual desires destroys your ability to think, relate to other people, and enjoy pleasure. In addition, he does a compelling and convicting job of proving that most pornography is actually the result of people being lured into sex trafficking and drugged, manipulated, threatened, and forced to do things on camera. This is serious truth spoken with conviction and concern for the fate of your soul.

Sgt. Grant Snyder, a detective and part of a sex trafficking task force, also gives a chilling and sobering look inside the world of sex trafficking, right in Minneapolis. He shows how people get targeted and lured into it. One of his unforgettable comments is that in the hundreds of interviews he has conducted with people arrested for engaging in prostitution with minors, sex crimes, etc., every single one of them was deep into pornography. It's a sin that only drags you further down and down.

The Gospel in Straw-Men on Chairs, Andrew Wilson (THINK)

Wilson does an excellent job of setting things straight on a recent video by a pastor criticizing the way many view the atonement Christ accomplished on the cross. On top of that, this is really worth your while because Wilson demonstrates how unreasonable and ineffective it is for people to dumb down or misrepresent what other people believe in order to criticize it. He identifies and explains several common errors Christians make when disagreeing with others. He also exposes the limits and distortion that can happen when you try to reduce a complicated theological concept down to a simple illustration or skit. Above all, you must be accurate if you are going to be truthful.

For anyone who wants a thorough comparison and explanation of what various Church Fathers and theologians have believed about the atonement and substitution, chapters 5 and 6 in John Stott's The Cross of Christ are just about definitive.

You may have seen Collin Hansen's article Why I'm No Longer a United Methodist (TGC). To flesh out and expand the understanding of what's happening in America's largest mainline denomination, here is a solid collection of information by Emma Green in The Atlantic. Offered not because I particularly agree with where she's coming from, but because she does an excellent job of providing information and observing a lot of the moving pieces. The contrast between how African Methodist congregations and U.S. congregations are approaching things is significant.

On the Political Leanings of Methodists (Emma Green)

The Divided Methodist Church (Emma Green)

For more perspective, Justin Taylor has excerpts from Timothy Tennent, a United Methodist and president of Asbury Theological Seminary, and a link to his whole report on the conference.

Beware of Getting Everything You Wanted

Being offered exactly what you want sounds like a perfect day. What more could you ask for? Well, in some cases, being satisfied with less. Getting everything you wanted is sometimes the worst thing that could happen to you, because when you want something that badly, you don't look for the strings attached to it.

In the 2005 film Kingdom of Heaven, Orlando Bloom portrayed a knight and noble named Balian of Ibelin (loosely based on a real historical figure who led the defense of Jerusalem against Saladin in the 12th century, eventually surrendering the city peacefully). Balian is not a heroic or admirable figure in the beginning. He murders a priest in anger because the man ordered the burial of Balian's wife, who had committed suicide, to be done as if she was a lost soul condemned to hell. Balian is then taken under the protection of a crusader and noble who reveals that he fathered Balian on his way through the town many years ago.

On the way to the Holy Land, Balian's father is mortally wounded trying to resist a group hunting down Balian for the murder. He dies on the way to the Holy Land, leaving Balian as the new Baron of Ibelin. Balian arrives in Jerusalem bearing a lot of grief, a past he would rather forget, and essentially friendless. His father's favor with Baldwin IV, king of Jerusalem, and his Marshal, Tiberias, bring Balian into close company with the royal court, and he meets Baldwin's sister Sibylla, who is married to Guy de Lusignan. Sibylla is beautiful and charming, and her husband is a brute and a vicious warmonger, setting up the romantic fascination between Balian and Sibylla.

Balian compounds his moral failures by committing adultery with Sibylla. (So, viewer discretion advised.) But at the same time, he is gaining a sense of purpose and meaning in his life from taking over his father's legacy in caring for the land of Ibelin and in seeking peace and justice in Jerusalem. Balian has a stained past, but he wants to be a good man. He has found something to live for and admire in the teachings of his friend, a priest who accompanied his father, and the ideals of Baldwin IV and Jerusalem. Balian becomes more heroic and noble as the story progresses, growing into his role as a benevolent noble and leader.

At the same time, Guy de Lusignan has made himself a massive danger to Jerusalem, because he and his knights won't stop raiding and murdering Muslims under the protection of Saladin. Guy wants war with Saladin, whereas Baldwin has maintained an unsteady peace. Guy defies the king and commits repeated war crimes. One night, Balian is summoned to meet with Baldwin and Tiberias. They ask him bluntly, "Would you marry Sibylla, if she were free?" Balian hesitates and then asks what would have happened to her husband, Guy, to make her free to marry. They tell him that Guy would be tried for his atrocities and crimes, and executed. There is little question that he deserves it. It seems to be a perfect solution for all of them: Balian gets the woman he desires, Sibylla gets a happy marriage and the man she loves, Guy is justly punished and no longer a threat, and Baldwin gets peace and protection for Jerusalem.

Balian's response is the most noble moment in the entire film. He realizes that what he is being asked to join in is approving the execution of a man so that he can have the man's wife. Although Guy deserves execution, it is clear that Baldwin will not have him executed unless he has Balian's assurance that Balian will take his place and pledge his knights to defend Jerusalem. Without that, Baldwin won't risk the loss of Guy's knights. Guy is not being judged for his crimes alone; Baldwin wants the support of Guy unless he can have the support of someone to replace him. It is clear that unless Balian agrees, Guy will not be executed. Which means that Balian agreeing to marry Sibylla will be the act that brings about Guy's death.

Balian quietly replies, "Jerusalem is a kingdom of conscience, or it is nothing," and he refuses.

If you cannot receive what you want without compromising your convictions or integrity to get it, there is only one right answer: no. The tragedy for most people who compromise is that they did not set out to do evil in order to get something. They were faced with choices that offered them something they desperately wanted, and only implied a little breaking of the rules.

Temptation almost always promises just a tiny budge in order to get what you want. And many people give in without admitting to themselves that they are compromising. Unfortunately, when you look back after several small steps, you realize just how far across the line you have come. And it is often very hard to go back. In The Pilgrim's Progress, it was very easy for Christian to leave the path and take a shortcut; it was extremely hard and miserable for him to try to get back to the path again. The devil will always make the way into sin easy.

This is exactly what C.S. Lewis predicts about the path to temptation, shame, and dishonor in The Inner Ring:

To nine out of ten of you the choice which could lead to scoundrelism will come, when it does come, in no very dramatic colours. Obviously bad men, obviously threatening or bribing, will almost certainly not appear. Over a drink, or a cup of coffee, disguised as triviality and sandwiched between two jokes, from the lips of a man, or woman, whom you have recently been getting to know rather better and whom you hope to know better still—just at the moment when you are most anxious not to appear crude, or naïf or a prig—the hint will come. It will be the hint of something which the public, the ignorant, romantic public, would never understand: something which even the outsiders in your own profession are apt to make a fuss about: but something, says your new friend, which “we”—and at the word “we” you try not to blush for mere pleasure—something “we always do.”

And you will be drawn in, if you are drawn in, not by desire for gain or ease, but simply because at that moment, when the cup was so near your lips, you cannot bear to be thrust back again into the cold outer world. It would be so terrible to see the other man’s face—that genial, confidential, delightfully sophisticated face—turn suddenly cold and contemptuous, to know that you had been tried for the Inner Ring and rejected. And then, if you are drawn in, next week it will be something a little further from the rules, and next year something further still, but all in the jolliest, friendliest spirit. It may end in a crash, a scandal, and penal servitude; it may end in millions, a peerage and giving the prizes at your old school. But you will be a scoundrel.

This slow fade is just what Scripture warns about: "But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death." (James 1:14-15). Don't make a habit of asking yourself whether the choice you're making today will make you a bad man or woman. Ask yourself what the choice you're making today is giving birth to. What are you feeding by making this choice, and what are you neglecting? Or, what are you planting and watering? "For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life." (Galatians 6:8). There is clear warning in Scripture that little choices make sins grow.

The antidote for all of this is certainly caution: "Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life." (Proverbs 4:23). But it is also trust. James 1:14-15 is followed by James 1:17, which reminds us that every good gift and every perfect gift comes from above, from God. If something is worth having, we can trust God to give it to us. We don't need to make compromises to go after it ourselves. If it's good for us, it will come from the Father's hand in time. Trusting God to meet your needs is the way to resist the temptation to take things for yourself. And it wouldn't hurt to take Alice Henderson's advice in Catherine Marshall's Christy: "They were training their wills in the only way a will can be trained: by practicing giving up what we happen to want at the moment." We give it up in order to wait for something better from God: a satisfaction without regret.

Forgiveness Is Free; Sincerity and Repentance May Take Some Work

Easter should leave us all with fresh enthusiasm for the freedom from guilt and shame that Christ paid for on the cross. I hope the last few days have been filled for you with hearing the free grace of God preached and proclaimed. The forgiveness of sins through faith in Christ, and not through trying to work off a debt or earn acceptance, is one of the greatest joys we will ever know.

However, when anyone preaches the free grace of God that removes all the guilt of your sins, sooner or later people get nervous and uncomfortable with this lavish, free forgiveness of every wrong. If forgiveness is that easy, then what will keep us from giving into temptations when they come up again? Some people start to think this is too simple to be true: that people could just take advantage of God and keep indulging whatever desires they wanted if this were so. Just run back to God afterward to say “I’m sorry,” and you’re in the clear. Some people mock Christianity for this very reason, thinking it is too shallow and naïve for letting people get right with God by just apologizing after they do wrong. This also convinces some Christians that it can’t be that easy, that there must be more required of us in order to prove our real regret and repentance to God.

But it’s not as simple as it appears. Forgiveness is free to everyone who confesses what they have done wrong and wants to be healed. But if you do not have a heart that is sorry for doing wrong, forgiveness is absolutely unaffordable. It is completely out of your price range if you aren’t sincere in repenting of sin. There’s no way for you to purchase it. What people miss when they mock the free grace of God in forgiving sins, or when they doubt it and try to earn forgiveness instead, is that God judges the thoughts and intentions of the heart. He knows whether you mean it. He doesn’t need proof. He doesn’t weigh your efforts to earn forgiveness, but He does weigh the sincerity of your regret and desire to change.

The new covenant Christ brought about by His death and resurrection has been called the “covenant of grace,” compared with the "covenant of works" that required perfect obedience under the Mosaic law. Richard Sibbes describes the new measure of obedience: “The law is sweetened by the gospel, and becomes delightful to the inner man (Rom. 7:22). Under this gracious covenant, sincerity is perfection.” (The Bruised Reed, Ch. 6). God established a new covenant for exactly this reason: no one was capable of keeping the law without sin. But God does give us the ability to choose sides with Him against sin, and to renounce our sinful actions. The new covenant only requires that we sincerely turn away from sin.

 

The words used for repentance in Scripture contain the idea of turning away from one thing to embrace another. We turn from sin to God. We turn from evil to good. Kevin DeYoung described it like this: "Some of us become Christians and just go on our merry way, never thinking of sin, while others fixate on our failings and suffer from despair. One person feels no conviction of sin; the other person feels no relief from sin. Neither of these habits should mark the Christian. The Christian should often feel conviction, confess, and be cleansed." Or as DeYoung says more simply: "Repentance is more than a repeated apology." It must be a change of heart.

Luther’s first statement in the 95 Theses is: “When our Lord and Master Jesus Christ said, ‘Repent’ (Mt 4:17), he willed the entire life of believers to be one of repentance.”

 

A life of repentance doesn’t have to look impressive outwardly to be sincere. Expecting people to give something up or do something difficult to prove their sincerity doesn’t guarantee sincerity. Yes, if you are sincere and really want forgiveness, you will probably be willing to make sacrifices to receive it. But insincere people are often just as likely to do this. This is exactly what the Pharisees and scribes did, and what Jesus rebuked them for doing. They had figured out that if they made all the right motions of worship, they could get a reputation for holiness and obedience without actually having to live by it. But it gave them no traction before God.

 

If you just go before God seeking forgiveness because you want Him to pay off your tab so you can go sin again without consequences, well, Jesus predicted rather terrifying things for those who thought this was working for them: “You hypocrites! Well did Isaiah prophesy of you, when he said: ‘This people honors me with their lips, but their heart is far from me; in vain do they worship me, teaching as doctrines the commandments of men.’” (Matthew 15:7-9)

 

This kind of insincere, two-faced worship is utterly rejected by God. No one sneaks a free pass on sin by just saying, “I’m sorry.” There is no way to cheat on this. Those who think the free grace of God is too simplistic misunderstand the importance of the heart. God is not after people who can make a good show of religious devotion. He is after people’s hearts.

 

The reason I say sincerity and repentance may take some work is that they don’t always come naturally after failing. Sometimes it is very hard to be ready to approach God with genuine sorrow over sin. All the wrestling and lamenting and self-reproach of so many remarkable Christians, from John Owen, Richard Baxter, John Bunyan, Richard Sibbes, John Newton, Charles Simeon, Charles Spurgeon, and J.C. Ryle to John Piper, Kevin DeYoung, Tim Keller, Jerry Bridges, and J.I. Packer is simply this: pursuing sincerity in repentance; working the heart toward devotion to God and away from the coldness and selfishness of sin. Not a bit of it is meant to earn forgiveness or prove ourselves. It is all directed at being genuine in heart and sincere in our affections for God.

As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us. For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. (2 Corinthians 7:9-10)

But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’ I tell you, this man went down to his house justified, rather than the other. (Luke 18:13-14)

This is the Gospel. Don't let anyone talk you out of it. Sometimes this may cost us much in tears, the dismantling of pride and self-admiration, admitting our faults, humbling ourselves to apologize to others, and destroying the illusions of our own goodness. But it has this precious difference between it and the futile pursuit of earning forgiveness: this working of the heart into repentance is accepted by God even at its most feeble, as long as it is genuine. You don’t have to try to work up a pure heart to be accepted. Those who truly desire to change, even if they are powerless to make any progress, are accepted by God, and then He provides the power for change Himself.

 

But it is the grace of the Gospel, which is so hard for the pious to understand, that it confronts us with the truth and says: You are a sinner, a great, desperate sinner; now come, as the sinner that you are, to God who loves you. He wants you as you are; He does not want anything from you, a sacrifice, a work; He wants you alone. 'My son, give me thine heart' (Prov. 23:26). God has come to you to save the sinner. Be glad!

(Bonhoeffer, Life Together, p. 110, HarperOne edition, 1954).

 

Jesus is a greater Saviour than you think him to be when your thoughts are at the greatest. My Lord is more ready to pardon than you to sin, more able to forgive than you to transgress. My Master is more willing to supply your wants than you are to confess them. Never tolerate low thoughts of my Lord Jesus.

(Charles Spurgeon, Morning and Evening, August 22).